The first diary spans from March of 1978 until September of 1980. During this time, Bob has gone through various relationships, tumultuous mood swings and has mused upon life and the troubles within his relationships and sex life. It begins with him lamenting his breakup with a man named Leland who Bob has made “sacred”. He took to distracting himself via marijuana usage and frequenting gay establishments like Alfie’s and Trocadero in order to help him overcome his heartache.
A theme throughout the diaries is Bob’s complex relationship with sex, in March he mentions that he doesn’t like it though come April he seems to realize that he is more concerned with his performance during sex and that is part of his aversion to the activity. An interesting shift in his attitude towards sex happens in an entry two days after his birthday on July 4, where he met Roger and wanted “to own him, to control him” and describes his attraction to him as “very violent” and wanted to crush him and vice versa so that they “could feel the intensity”. This is as but one example of his tumultuous mood swings.
A relationship begins with Gary Costello, and a month later they have broken up and Bob doesn’t feel suited for relationships and goes out to fill this void by having someone fill his anus. Bob and Gary C go through a period of being in and out of a relationship where Bob is still enamored with Gary C but yet and still feels too used to being alone and would rather have no one around. Though he feels affection for Gary C, he doesn’t go in depth on how or why this is different but he feels that it is. We speculate that this slow, gentle, warm love is new to Bob rather than an all-consuming infatuation. As time goes on, his relationship with Gary C remains somewhat tumultuous. They go through bouts of being together and not, when they are together though, Bob, though he is tempted to have relations with another man that he is attracted to, he does not because of his loyalty to Gary C.
Come December, Gary C ponders the difference between what it means to be in love vs what it is to love: the former is a wild fantastic passion where one lives for the object, the later (which is the case for Gary C and Bob) is a simple affection with warm security.
Bob has a tendency to turn to sex when he is feeling down though he describes himself as someone who is intimidated by the idea of being with another man. When he is particularly down, he turns towards autoerotic acts in order to expel what he describes as “leftover energy”.
Towards the end of winter in the beginning of 1979, Bob and Gary C officially break up and as spring rolls around they decide to stop living together. During spring Bob also is on the upswing in terms of exercising, going out dancing and having more sex and is even saddened when he has a fever for a couple of days and isn’t able to stay out until 8:30am. In April he finally admits to himself that he is looking for a lover, this to us makes it seem as if he was equating having a sexual partner with having a partner up until this point.
The diary entry for May 21, 1979 notes the White Night Riots where LGBT individuals raided City Hall in response to the verdict given to Dan White for the murders of San Francisco Mayor George Moscone and Harvey Milk. He acknowledges that trying to burn City Hall down won’t necessarily amount to any change but is hopeful in that it will show the “force” of the community.
Bob after finally embracing that he is looking for a lover, is able to be more honest and free with himself and his sexual inclinations. He buys a harness which he has wanted to do for a while, he apparently used one with a former boyfriend while he lives in New Orleans but the boyfriend took it. Once again, highlighting the upswing in his sex life not only indulging leather but also brachioproctic insertion. The man that Bob first engages in brachioproctic eroticism with, another long awaited experience, eventually becomes his roommate and boyfriend, Gary Kimes who Bob says like him, also has bouts of depression as well as quick to anger.
Two month later, Bob has an entry about his thoughts on marriage where he states his confusion on having to answer to someone after becoming an adult and sees this as “quite a price” in exchange for love. He acknowledges that he does love Gary K’s company but also notes that he never truly came to trust anyone and knows that Gary K looks at him enchanted as well but does doubt that Gary K will stay with him, possibly thinking that he is not good enough for Gary K. In February, Gary K tried to kill himself by taking multiple valium after an argument and Bob highlights the irony in them being an ostensibly admirable couple but they are simply two struggling individuals trying to help and love one another. Come March, they have broken up because Bob wants more freedom in his life and was constantly stressed by how to approach Gary K when he wanted to go out due to his bouts of jealousy.
*Rules for Life pg 90*
There are entries missing from March until August of 1980 but it seems that Rob and Gary K got back together because he writes that he can’t be in a monogamous relationship and Gary K can’t survive in an open one. Because of the breakup and other factors in his life, Bob has decided to start writing more frequently, feeling as though he doesn’t have many confidants. His health has deteriorated where he is weighing less and having weekends with heavy substance abuse and goes to see Gary K, saying things that he regrets.
